Well I haven't been her for a while. Life has been busy and the weather too good to spend it sitting in front of a computer. Still I have need to share thoughts and fears of daily life with epilepsy, because it seems to be on my mind more now.
Did I tell you that I fell last fall? If so - Please bear with the repeat because it has brought up a lot of issues I thought I had put to bed or have avoided for years. I fell from a ladder while doing some winterising on our old beater camper. It was a step ladder and I fell about 5 of 6 feet.
No - I did not hit my head......but I landed flat on my back and it totally knocked the wind out of me. This is not a fun thing - I don't recomment anyone trying it. I had never experienced anything like this. It was scary but I somehow felt calm through it.
I was aware that I was laying on the ground and could feel my glasses cockeyed on my face and my mind was wondering what I needed to do about it because I could not breath and I could see layers of black with light in between. I didn't like that so I knew I had to do something so my glasses could wait - I knew they were there. In the seconds that it took for me to realise all of this I also realised that there were people around me but they were not doing anything.
I reached up - somehow knowing there was something for me to grab hold of to roll on my side so I could breathe again...............Relief!!!!!!
Just getting my breath back cleared my head and the darkness went away and the light came through. I sat up slowly and the folks that were there told me what had happened. I asked them if I hit my head and they all said "No". They said I had landed on the right side of my back and my head remained off the ground, until I reached up. They said I hit nothing on the way down. Okay - that made me feel better.
I relaxed and just rested there for a while. I checked my own head and put my glasses on straight and thought about how I felt while I was laying there after the fall....I had been conscience of myself and where I was and what perdiciment I was in. I thought about being that aware and also being calm enough to think about what I needed to do to help myself and then be able to do it. It was all a bit unreal at the time - and now.
I got up and did not feel dizzy or unstable so I went back to working on closing up the camper - but I stayed on the ground. I worked slowly and carefully paying attention to how I was feeling and performing. All was fine for a few hours, then I began to feel a little sick to my stomach - okay - I figured shock is setting in. I left for home while I was still confident that I could drive safely.
Later that night my right sholder hurt so badly, and the upset stomach was more sever, so I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. X-rays reveiled 2 fractures in my right shoulder but they did not go clear across the bone. The bone Doc put me in a sling and gave me a pain control schedule (using over the counter medication). I choose not to take perscription pain medication.
After a couple weeks in the sling (and sleeping in the recliner) the Doc started me on physical therapy. I worked hard on my therapy and I have regained full use of my arm and shoulder and had no need for surgery..........but that fall certainly got my attention!
I have told you how active I am. I drive, I ride a motorcycle, I operate tractors and mowers as well as power tools like chain saws and weed trimmers. I eat well and keep my bones strong with diet and suppliments - but being so aware of everything after that fall really has shaken me more then I realized.
I have slowed down some and tried to work smarter. What bothers me is the hit my self-esteem and self confidence has taken. I actually find myself afraid to do things I never thought twice about before! Well - I am thinking twice about them now and looking for the smarter way to do things instead of the fastest way or easiest way....but the fear remains.
I am not afraid of getting on any of the training motorcycles that I have to use to teach the classes that I teach....but I am afraid of getting on my own motorcycle. I am not afraid to run my mowers but I am not so sure about the tractor anymore. The chainsaws and trimmers are still okay. It isn't new things that scare me - it is the things I have been doing for years and have made a living doing...it is simple everyday things - not big major projects.
When will this fear go away - or at least ease up? It reminds me very much of where I was and what I felt 40 years ago. It took a while of having my seizures under control to regain that lost confidence and self-esteem and get rid of the fear of those.
I am doing things differently and thinking things through before I do them so that I can do them smarter. Do I have to learn to trust myself again?
I hate living this way again because it makes me doubt myself and fear that my seizures will begin to reoccur....I think that is the greatest fear of all. Any ideas out there? Anybody gone through something similar?
Life is too good to stop living based on fear or "what if" when there has been no indication that anything is any different today then it was last fall. Is this all emotion? Could sure use some input.........Thanks!
