Life goes on....but I am paying more attention. Focusing seems to help with some of the activities I have always done, but were a little uncertain about after my fall in October. As my daughter says "Do things smarter". I am trying!!!
The more I do and the more often that I do them the more comfortable I get again. My motorcycle is still sitting there looking at me and asking "when are we going out together?". That may be getting closer but I am not going to rush it - I need to get some work done to it while I am in this holding pattern with it - but I just can't afford it. We are still trying to get caught up from the "behind" that we got fixing Jeff's bike. We still had full time jobs then but 2008 happened before we got all the work paid for.
Stress in life makes living with my Brain Storms even more maddening. Every time I have to fill a perscription I think of what else I could use that money for. I guess that has been going on in my mind for a long time before now. Why does it cost so much (even the generics cost money) to stay healthy - even when I feel fit and healthy? Grocery costs do it to us too!!!
No, this isn't a depression day. I think it could be an angry day though. My moods and emotions are something that I can't explain to my family in a way that they will understand - but they are the ones who feel the brunt of whatever mood, emotion, feeling or reaction that I have. It is unfair to them and I can't explain it or even warn them what might be coming. It just comes. I often wonder how much of it is medication related.....or is just me?
I used to love beer - and in the beginning I took my meds while regularly abusing alcohol and recreational drugs. I am now approaching my 30th clean and sober birthday (in 2013) and I find that having to take drugs everyday pisses me off. I would like so much to be rid of them all. Alas, I am getting older and the reality is that no matter how well I take care of myself - I will probably have to take medications for the rest of my life. That sucks!
I am reminded of myself (as an abuser) every day as I take the medications that keep me seizure free. They say that we never really get over addictions - we just replace them. I guess if I replaced my addictions with drugs to keep me seizure free I just need to consciencly think of it that way. I know that I have replaced my beer with soda - sometimes as pop and sometimes as soda water - both 0 caleries! That is an improvement - I think.
I also quit smoking 10 or 12 years ago. It cost me too much money and I wasn't smoking them anyway - they just burned up in the ash tray. Computer time has kind of replaced them. Don't know if that is a good thing or not some days.
My life has changed. I have changed. My wants and needs have changed - but I remain pissed off that I have this brain injury that still directs and hangs over all of my life. I didn't used to be mature enough to think about it that way - I just ran away from it in my addictions. Growing up makes you think more and differently. Now I feel more overcome by it then when I would hide from it.
I have to think of it before I can even take a vitamin. I have to think of it (and so does the Doc) if I have to have any other kind of medication. I have to think of it seriously every two years when I have to have a complete physical and med workup to get my driver's license renewed. I also think of it every time I get behind the wheel or on a motorcycle, mower or operate any equipment. At those times I think of how grateful I am that I can still do those things!
That driver's license thing is not because of the seizure history as much as the medication itself - Dilantin in particular - even in the generic form. If I could get rid of that (or replace it with something else that worked as well) I could get a license like normal people! Okay - I am lucky that I can even get and have one - but it is one more reminder that I am different and have to be treated differently. Why can't I just be normal again?
I sure would like to talk to some of you out there with the same (or similar) issues in your life and how you are coping with them. It gets awfully lonely in my world sometimes. It's not fair to expect my friends and family to fully understand. They aren't living this and they have their own lives and issues. I do wonder what living with me is like - sometimes I don't even like myself!
Feel free to leave comments! Please.............Thanks!
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